Brain’s blah 

29 Apr

Dear whoever,
Whenever my bra is showing you make sure to let me know by that superman melting iron stare as if my pound of flesh is about to be reaped!

But let me Ask you this,

Is my confusion showing?

Do My midlife crisis thoughts that are taking over my head That actuall sound like fucking hell of ideas showing?

Is my internal voice that is screaming hysterically get out get out showing?

Are my words that you know nothing about except the ones that sound usual to you but alas, the ones that are actually me, showing?

Are my crazy ultimatums sound hysterical to you as the sound of my squeaky voice when am funny?

Are my fake sorries more sincere to you than my honest before i-drift-away-to-my-small-death confessions?

Are my attempts to run away to a new land not clear enough that i am really scared the shit on me from me?

I am so fucking sure that if i let me out things will get out of hands..

and fuck i am scared!

I am so fucking scared and i am so lost and so alive and so alone and so sincere right now that i feel like a feather.

But me is still weighing me down

THIS is weighing me down

and fuck

I am down


To you

Earthly from dirt and dust creatures,

Face-worn smiling..



Hozier and Hubble

23 Feb

1_main_pia21423-pngas it happens, obsessing over Hozier‘s songs. always on repeat when thinking, singing, sinking,studying,procrastinating,working, pretending to work, trying to sleep, pretending to be asleep and you know almost everything.

and as i was reading about Nasa’s Hubble new discovery for the new set of planets, it was playing “Better Love” in the exact same second that he was saying (Staring in the blackness at some distant star , The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are, To the wild and to the both of us, I confessed the longing I was dreaming of).

arent we really? we just knew how alone we are and unknown we are (in general at least for this post)

HE IS THAT MIRACULOUS! I guarantee you Hozier and Hubble are related. Maybe at some point along the chain of evolution they were part of Asteria. (dont google,press here to know)

i’ll share the song with you and the lyrics.

but promise one thing, just read the brilliance of the lyrics before you are hypnotized by his voice.

the first time i heard the song, i kept clapping in the parts that struck me.

beautifully, artistically and humanely put. (i am an unashamed groupie)

I once kneeled in shaking thrill
I chase the memory of it still, of every chill
Chided by that silence of a hush sublime
Blind to the purpose of the brute divine
But you were mine
Staring in the blackness at some distant star
The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are
To the wild and to the both of us
I confessed the longing I was dreaming of
Some better love, but there’s no better love
Beckons above me and there’s no better love
That ever has loved me, there’s no better love
Darling, feel better love
Feel better love
And I’ve never loved a darker blue
Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you
You, whose heart would sing of anarchy
You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully
When our truth is burned from history
By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me
Like fire weeping from a cedar tree
Know that my love would burn with me
We’ll live eternally
‘Cause there’s no better love
That beckons above me, there’s no better love
That ever has loved me, there’s no better love
So darling, feel better love
‘Cause there’s no better love
That’s laid beside me, there’s no better love
That justifies me, there’s no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love
‘Cause there’s no better love
That beckons above me, there’s no better love
That ever has loved me, there’s no better love
So darling, feel better love
‘Cause there’s no better love
That’s laid beside me, there’s no better love
That justifies me, there’s no better love
So darling, feel better love
Feel better love
Songwriters: Andrew Hozier Byrne
i’ll be writing more about Hozier later on.
.. oy!

A Thought For Food

23 Feb

so, since i forgot my money today and i am hungry. i am willing to share my thoughts for food .. please?

well, as i am approaching to pay for my masters (that’s tomorrow) i cant help but notice that i have went through the contents of the masters just today around 25-30 times since morning maybe? just making sure, that yeah this is it. 


then, it hit me.

i never had a mentor. a guide. a Yoda!

although i actually have asked around 4 people to be my mentors (or mentos since i am hungry) their replies would vary between (no i am busy, or all of you are my sisters, or yes yes sure but never returns an email or a phone call) yay!

then it hit me again!

since education and learning is my motivator and also my passion. i scarcely can remember anyone teaching me anything outside school/training courses. except for few dishes that make taught me how to cook, how to drive, how to walk after leg injury, how to deal with kids and how to make fever go away.

but, i got to teach myself how to put make up (which by the way is a disaster and i blame every makeup guru in the world for it cause they are doing it so awesomely), how to cook literally everything other than the few dishes mama taught me, how to sew (i still suck at it), etc

and i got to learn how to reach a decision (which by the way is not easy when it’s career or educational one given that friends around you are doing their best yes but are as clueless/or not Yod-ish kinda guidance.

yes, i want when i reach the right decision i would see the “light” and hear the angels’ sighs “aaaah” like movies. 

i am as confused as Julia Roberts in Run Away Bride. And i have around 26 hours till i go and pay.

and if Mr. Miyagi came along right about now, i’ll just kungfu panda the hell out of him because it is already too late and i made up my mind already and what the hell.

shut up and give me food already.


Running The Miles

16 Feb

he would wake us up at 6 AM, Friday mornings, with a very comforting voice.

suggesting as if it’s the most original idea in the world,  that we would take the leap out our beds and go run with him in the club before people start waking up.

it would be very cold and we would be covered in piles of clothes. excited and eager to be with him, hugging him for such a wonderful IDEA!

he used to love running. now i look back and wonder if he liked running because of the action or because of the intention behind it.

so, he would start running and he would ask me to hold my sister’s hand because he needs to run a bit faster but he will be running back to us (which he did.. and then he didn’t)

my sister and i would hold each other’s hands tight as if running side by side is not enough to make sure we wont get lost.. and we still hold each other’s hands while running side by side in life.. and as we grew older we knew, that yes! you can get lost even if you are next to each other if you didn’t hold each other’s hand tightly and faithfully.

so, my sister would get tired mid way, and we would stop running waiting for my dad to come back to us. and when he did, i would request that he would carry her on his shoulder. she’s tiny, thin, small and cold!

so he would, and then we would start singing while running. we would sing “1, 2 , 3 we are running, whose shoes should we ruin” and whoever name we chose, need to run faster to avoid having their shoes stepped on.

we would laugh so hard, and i always glance up at my sister to make sure she’s okay. and i would smile knowing she wont get lost when she’s on his shoulders!

I don’t think i ever felt the urge to ask “why not carry me?” , and i am really proud of the selfless kid i used to be. i guess that carried on to now as a curse. but that’s okay, the kid in me is proud of the selfless adult i am now.

I remember, he would always praise how strong my steps would be. i remember i always felt proud that my athletic dad thinks i have strong footsteps! and now i remember, that when i used to run fast my feet would hurt but i would tell myself (don’t let him down now, he just praised your steps) how ironic life could be..

what reminded me of that memory?


I was back home few days ago, and as i was sitting in my ink black old room, i heard a couple of friendly neighborhood dogs barking like they used to back then when i was a kid and thought they are protecting us against all the evil that tries to enter our street.

how magical sounds could be..

how nostalgic memories attached to them are.. 




via Daily Prompt: Sound

The Monday From The Land Of Regret

6 Feb

One of those days when you just keep asking yourself, why am i doing this?

I could just pack my cats and go!

Couple of blank lonely pages, music earbuds and a handsome yellow pencil would suffice.

Off the grid, on the roads.. then I remember the passport that owns me.

I care deeply for my rain, i miss deeply the cold, the walks, the warmth of my favorite neighborhood, then I remember i grew up and out


Oh well,


A Hateful Dear Diary Post

20 Jan

Dear Diary,
I just met a vicious cry wolf, and realized i lived with him for years. He preyed on my compassion and the tremendous feeling of “need”. 
Dear Diary,
I am in awe for the cry wolf impeccable acting skills. How his eyes would be weary and within a second would be scanning around to check the empathy thermometer towards him.
Dear Diary,

I cant catch my breathe, as if i am drowning on a solid ground. I feel sick to my stomach that will jump start my body inside out. Ill be a master-scene in a gruesome movie with all my organs and my lonely soul worn on my sleeves. All two of them.
Dear Diary,

Im a daughter of an abusive manipulative cry wolf. 
Yours Honestly and Truly,

A strong take no shit fucked up wolf/sheep

Aesthetic and Ecstasy

19 Jan

is there a relation between aesthetic and ecstasy?

well dont start searching for the meaning of the two words, i got you covered (in a way) .. actually in my way.

i for one, have been living on the face of the earth for the last 33-ish years and never have i used the word aesthetic. is it the lack of vocabulary on my side or the fact that i never found someone, or something so beautiful that i had to use the word aesthetic?

yes, the word Aesthetic actually means the appreciation of beauty, nature or art. or for some over happy people, they usually use the phrase as “i feel aesthetic”. i always wanted to ask them: by that do you mean that you feel you are always in awe of something or you believe yourself to be a state of the art that needs to be appreciated? no hard feelings though!

i dont know why, but the moment i read the word aesthetic, the word ecstasy just popped in my mind. and it kept knocking on the door asking to be heard out of why it’s related to aesthetic.

this is what Ecstasy had to say:

(i believe that am a stronger feeling and deeper than Aesthetic. you can always be aesthetic but you will rarely feel the ecstasy of appreciation of a certain element of life.

you can always lie to yourself or compliment someone by saying (i’m aesthetic) but i am more honest! it will show on your face and eyes and sound if you do feel the ecstasy of a situation or a person or a piece of music.

i’m high! both physically and mentally. you will rarely find me on the ground. i’ll take you on my back and lift you up from where all the lame aesthetics are there.

i’m not easily attained or maintained but you are lucky if you get to know me and involve me in your life.

i devour aesthetic in my definition, to feel the ecstasy you need to pass by aesthetic first, and move on to me.

i’m a violent feeling, not in a sense of beating up but in the sense of earthquake and shattering,

dont live your life for long without me. seize me, or miss me).




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