But what’s love anyway?

2 Nov

i won’t wear accessories, unless they are actual gold, not silver even

i wear only authentic pearls

and sapphire and emerald are the only stones i’ll have near my skin.

i love my tea only when it’s ginger soaked,

my coffee double shot cold and sour,

my dreams psychedelic and heartbreaking,

my cats rebellious and disobedient.

i only call people good friends when they are loyal and trustworthy.

i call my day tiring when it’s fullfilling

and my night lonesome when only spent crying.

i know it’s soul touching art when the sigh comes between two heart beats, so strong it almost stops the poor heart.

only the songs that are on repeat are the recognized pieces of me,

i label it as an embrace when i can feel your heart beating against my skin-wall

and will only acknowledge the kiss when the knees tremble after.

i admit of comfort when soul and skin are barred

i know it’s trust when all my demogorgons shell out from the abyss and are quickly transformed into kittens.. in your presence.

i feel the longing when my limbs are numb

i am certain it’s depression when i’m one step away from not being anymore.

so, don’t tell me you love me when you rarely know me.

you don’t love me

you think you do..

but you don’t.

#askmequestions #themenooneknows

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The Younger Me

25 Oct

yesterday i had to experience a life timeline visit.

at some point i was up in space looking down on the timeline of my life. seeing the past, present and future. it felt peaceful up there, quiet and serene.

then i dove down to my past, where i visited the 6 years old me. She was pretty, playful with her bowl haircut, missing teeth and loud laugh (yes, even then i had a loud laugh). something happened, and she felt lonely, unsecured, confused and unloved.

i had the chance to hug her tight, whisper everything she needed to hear at the time. telling her she’s beautiful, not to worry about who heard what. i told her to forgive as the intention of the pain inflector was good. she didn’t know better, like you mini-me didn’t know how to react.

the hug i gave the younger me, was one of the most profound hugs i had ever given or received. the overwhelming tears that occurred while the hug was taking place was pleasant and warm. i didn’t want to let me go. but i didn’t leave except when i saw a smile on my younger me face. now she knows better, now she knows she is loved.. deeply by her own older self. and that sometimes that’s enough. i even broke the time travelling taboo, i told her she’s free, shes in control and she even got the chance to live alone to do what she wants anytime she wants it.

the next incident was to the teenage me, who went through a bullying experience and her reaction was silence, leaving and hiding in the pool crying (yes, that’s how i used to cry in the summer, find any pool go underwater and try to cry) this time she felt angry, cold, humiliated, with no backbone to keep her standing and no feet to hold her ground.

This time, my hug for her was bones cracking strong. i was shouting, crying, and making sure she hears me down to her core, she’s a beautiful young lady, who has the world to give, i told her there will comes a time when you want to vanish, stop existing. but dont, you are loved, you are cherished, and if she didn’t feel it, she needs to know her future selves are proud of her, and cheering her on from their 20s,30s. shes a hero, she lived to 33 to tell the tale and breath through it. That incident didn’t make her a bad person like how she thought it would, or hoped it would so she would be mean enough to stand up for herself when no one else did. i told her that in few years she wont take shit from anyone, she will rebel, she will speak out her mind even when it gets her into trouble. i gave her the weapons she needed at the time, and made sure to see a brink of a smile before i leave up in space.

a tip for future me, make sure not to scare others’ souls. the burden is unforgettable and too heavy to be lifted throughout a lifetime. #mindeye 

Brain’s blah 

29 Apr

Dear whoever,
Whenever my bra is showing you make sure to let me know by that superman melting iron stare as if my pound of flesh is about to be reaped!

But let me Ask you this,

Is my confusion showing?

Do My midlife crisis thoughts that are taking over my head That actuall sound like fucking hell of ideas showing?

Is my internal voice that is screaming hysterically get out get out showing?

Are my words that you know nothing about except the ones that sound usual to you but alas, the ones that are actually me, showing?

Are my crazy ultimatums sound hysterical to you as the sound of my squeaky voice when am funny?

Are my fake sorries more sincere to you than my honest before i-drift-away-to-my-small-death confessions?

Are my attempts to run away to a new land not clear enough that i am really scared the shit on me from me?

I am so fucking sure that if i let me out things will get out of hands..

and fuck i am scared!

I am so fucking scared and i am so lost and so alive and so alone and so sincere right now that i feel like a feather.

But me is still weighing me down

THIS is weighing me down

and fuck

I am down

Again

To you

Earthly from dirt and dust creatures,

Face-worn smiling..

 

Video

Hozier and Hubble

23 Feb

1_main_pia21423-pngas it happens, obsessing over Hozier‘s songs. always on repeat when thinking, singing, sinking,studying,procrastinating,working, pretending to work, trying to sleep, pretending to be asleep and you know almost everything.

and as i was reading about Nasa’s Hubble new discovery for the new set of planets, it was playing “Better Love” in the exact same second that he was saying (Staring in the blackness at some distant star , The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are, To the wild and to the both of us, I confessed the longing I was dreaming of).

arent we really? we just knew how alone we are and unknown we are (in general at least for this post)

HE IS THAT MIRACULOUS! I guarantee you Hozier and Hubble are related. Maybe at some point along the chain of evolution they were part of Asteria. (dont google,press here to know)

i’ll share the song with you and the lyrics.

but promise one thing, just read the brilliance of the lyrics before you are hypnotized by his voice.

the first time i heard the song, i kept clapping in the parts that struck me.

beautifully, artistically and humanely put. (i am an unashamed groupie)

I once kneeled in shaking thrill
I chase the memory of it still, of every chill
Chided by that silence of a hush sublime
Blind to the purpose of the brute divine
But you were mine
Staring in the blackness at some distant star
The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are
To the wild and to the both of us
I confessed the longing I was dreaming of
Some better love, but there’s no better love
Beckons above me and there’s no better love
That ever has loved me, there’s no better love
Darling, feel better love
Feel better love
And I’ve never loved a darker blue
Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you
You, whose heart would sing of anarchy
You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully
When our truth is burned from history
By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me
Like fire weeping from a cedar tree
Know that my love would burn with me
We’ll live eternally
‘Cause there’s no better love
That beckons above me, there’s no better love
That ever has loved me, there’s no better love
So darling, feel better love
‘Cause there’s no better love
That’s laid beside me, there’s no better love
That justifies me, there’s no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love
‘Cause there’s no better love
That beckons above me, there’s no better love
That ever has loved me, there’s no better love
So darling, feel better love
‘Cause there’s no better love
That’s laid beside me, there’s no better love
That justifies me, there’s no better love
So darling, feel better love
Feel better love
Songwriters: Andrew Hozier Byrne
i’ll be writing more about Hozier later on.
.. oy!

A Thought For Food

23 Feb

so, since i forgot my money today and i am hungry. i am willing to share my thoughts for food .. please?

well, as i am approaching to pay for my masters (that’s tomorrow) i cant help but notice that i have went through the contents of the masters just today around 25-30 times since morning maybe? just making sure, that yeah this is it. 

 

then, it hit me.

i never had a mentor. a guide. a Yoda!

although i actually have asked around 4 people to be my mentors (or mentos since i am hungry) their replies would vary between (no i am busy, or all of you are my sisters, or yes yes sure but never returns an email or a phone call) yay!

then it hit me again!

since education and learning is my motivator and also my passion. i scarcely can remember anyone teaching me anything outside school/training courses. except for few dishes that make taught me how to cook, how to drive, how to walk after leg injury, how to deal with kids and how to make fever go away.

but, i got to teach myself how to put make up (which by the way is a disaster and i blame every makeup guru in the world for it cause they are doing it so awesomely), how to cook literally everything other than the few dishes mama taught me, how to sew (i still suck at it), etc

and i got to learn how to reach a decision (which by the way is not easy when it’s career or educational one given that friends around you are doing their best yes but are as clueless/or not Yod-ish kinda guidance.

yes, i want when i reach the right decision i would see the “light” and hear the angels’ sighs “aaaah” like movies. 

i am as confused as Julia Roberts in Run Away Bride. And i have around 26 hours till i go and pay.

and if Mr. Miyagi came along right about now, i’ll just kungfu panda the hell out of him because it is already too late and i made up my mind already and what the hell.

shut up and give me food already.

 

Running The Miles

16 Feb

he would wake us up at 6 AM, Friday mornings, with a very comforting voice.

suggesting as if it’s the most original idea in the world,  that we would take the leap out our beds and go run with him in the club before people start waking up.

it would be very cold and we would be covered in piles of clothes. excited and eager to be with him, hugging him for such a wonderful IDEA!

he used to love running. now i look back and wonder if he liked running because of the action or because of the intention behind it.

so, he would start running and he would ask me to hold my sister’s hand because he needs to run a bit faster but he will be running back to us (which he did.. and then he didn’t)

my sister and i would hold each other’s hands tight as if running side by side is not enough to make sure we wont get lost.. and we still hold each other’s hands while running side by side in life.. and as we grew older we knew, that yes! you can get lost even if you are next to each other if you didn’t hold each other’s hand tightly and faithfully.

so, my sister would get tired mid way, and we would stop running waiting for my dad to come back to us. and when he did, i would request that he would carry her on his shoulder. she’s tiny, thin, small and cold!

so he would, and then we would start singing while running. we would sing “1, 2 , 3 we are running, whose shoes should we ruin” and whoever name we chose, need to run faster to avoid having their shoes stepped on.

we would laugh so hard, and i always glance up at my sister to make sure she’s okay. and i would smile knowing she wont get lost when she’s on his shoulders!

I don’t think i ever felt the urge to ask “why not carry me?” , and i am really proud of the selfless kid i used to be. i guess that carried on to now as a curse. but that’s okay, the kid in me is proud of the selfless adult i am now.

I remember, he would always praise how strong my steps would be. i remember i always felt proud that my athletic dad thinks i have strong footsteps! and now i remember, that when i used to run fast my feet would hurt but i would tell myself (don’t let him down now, he just praised your steps) how ironic life could be..

what reminded me of that memory?

simple!

I was back home few days ago, and as i was sitting in my ink black old room, i heard a couple of friendly neighborhood dogs barking like they used to back then when i was a kid and thought they are protecting us against all the evil that tries to enter our street.

how magical sounds could be..

how nostalgic memories attached to them are.. 

 

yasmin-and-i

 

via Daily Prompt: Sound

The Monday From The Land Of Regret

6 Feb

One of those days when you just keep asking yourself, why am i doing this?

I could just pack my cats and go!

Couple of blank lonely pages, music earbuds and a handsome yellow pencil would suffice.

Off the grid, on the roads.. then I remember the passport that owns me.

I care deeply for my rain, i miss deeply the cold, the walks, the warmth of my favorite neighborhood, then I remember i grew up and out

..

Oh well,

Meow!

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