Shield

28 Jun

I feel so alone ..tiny..in this vast world..for a certain unknown (yet) reason..right now is the most time ever i felt alone..

I am Alone !

and what does being “alone” mean after all?

is it to be without anyone around? hell no ! I’m more lonely when am among people than being alone..sitting alone ..

or is the feeling of that big emptiness inside your heart that echos through your soul? Is it when you go to bed to rest your mind from running all day and feet from struggling with roads,pavements,steps and stairs..you put your cheeks on your pillow friend..thinking..dreaming..yet convincing your heart that ” It’s OK” .. “We are Fine” .. but who’s we?and what is IT in the “It’s OK”? the funny thing is my heart gets numbed every time with these words..is it because of the words?or is the hope that the words give?

Being not attached is the most safe thing anyone can ever have..be in or feel..BUT it’s the loneliest safe place anyone can ever be as well !

No heart ,don’t get fooled ..it is NOT OK and WE are not fine ! whoever the “WE” stands for !

Once before i let so many people down..

friends..best friends ..soul mates

know why? cause i was afraid to be let down..i didn’t want to get hurt any more..

i wanted you “my heart” to be safe and sound..i protected you even from other souls who loved you..and Drew a shield around ” Us”

but..just ..between you and me..

i miss friendship

i miss true friendship..

and for all that matters ” love ” is something I yearn..but will not seek..till he seeks me first..knock on my door..calls for you..

do i love him already?

YES !

and i will blame him for taking so long to come along..

he will be my final chance..my final ticket to the land of hope and happiness..

but he must not know..it’s  a big burden on my Love’s shoulder..

P.S: miss you already !

 

 

 

28/6/2008

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2 Responses to “Shield”

  1. GlintingShadows 06/03/2009 at 3:11 AM #

    well… i dont know somtimes i think of it like this, that no one is capable of taking u to the world of hope and happiness, you should make it there on your own first and then BE FOUND later on!
    and other times i think that yeh maybe thats why hes called the knight and shining armor, because hes the one who takes u from the hand make u feel so fragile allows u to surrender, let ur self go and let him take the lead and drive the wheel…
    the first “i think” sounds practicle, the 2nd sounds so romantic… i seriously dnt knw what on earth happened to romantic, why doesnt it fit into our agendas/lifstyle any more… everything turned into ( get a degree, work, be succesful, independent, competitive, be as tough as men, knock them down and prove that women r just as good & succesful as men, oh! and why not give up ur dream of mother hood on the way)
    i feel bad that ur sayibg ur lonely and that u miss true friendships just after we met, i guess am not doing a good job after all.. being a friend an all, obviously i suck at it.. wish i was enough!
    by the way u freaked me out with that “Rana..” post of urs coz i was just thinking of writing a post abt u.. u really freaked me out! :D

    God bless ur heart. :)

    p.s. i tried doing it ur way today (a7kee 2a7das) and oh my god i suck at it am not a good story teller, its very energy consuming hving to remember and organise the events wut happened before wut who said wut, when happened wut… wut wut wut ahhhhhhhhh!

  2. Cinderella 06/03/2009 at 5:17 PM #

    ya gamila your post
    http://glintingshadows.blogspot.com/2009/03/afraid.html
    and marooned84 post
    http://thoughtsandbooks.blogspot.com/2009/03/meaningful-quote.html

    made me go back to my diary to find these words..cause i had the same feelings at a point : )

    and as you can see ya pretty glintingshadows i wrote the date at the end of the post

    and btw u r tottaly right .. yet can i add something? the way abt u have to find ur way to happiness before night and shining armour comes along ..u r totally right but at the end of each and every girl we are girls :)
    i have this theory you have to be whole and so should he ..u r two complete individuals with all the disformation u have and bags in ur souls and holes in ur hearts..u r two individuals that met to love ,need and enjoy one another ..

    m3rfsh shwyt ta7’areef .. bs ta7’areefy b2a :D

    hey after u left yesterday i was very happy..i smiled to my self after u got in our crazy elevator .. cause u talked today :) i didnt want to point it out the moment u were doing it so u would continue ..
    and i love that abt u bff :) mwa

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