I wish I was dead at that moment

14 May

9:00 pm

Sitting on the cold floor, having my jeans on, my snickers ready, my Hijab is in place…the car is ready in case we had to rush to the hospital..

Bossa (my mobile) is beside me…

Memes (my cat) is sitting beside me on the floor..waiting ..looking at me with the eyes of (just in case am needed)

I wish I was dead at that moment

My breathe is racing…it’s cold uncomftable breathing…not rhythmic…and not assuring…I hate that cold breathe…I’d prefer not to breath at all than to feel that sting inside of me..

I wish I was dead at that moment

Looking at her door…counting the cracks…remembering the memories in that room since I was 5…

I wish I was dead at that moment

Imagining how it would be if she didn’t come out of it safe and sound!

Visualizing how days would be without her…I’m crying just remembering the feeling I had…

I wish I was dead at that moment

And the guilt… pain… agony I am in to know that I might be the reason for all that pain she is in!

I wish I was dead at that moment

To see her screaming…crying…fainting and falling from between my arms…

For her to avoid looking at me…

to refuse to take the medicine from my hand…

I wish I was dead at that moment

To be awake for 39 hours… most of it blaming myself, hitting, hating and hurting my soul for the fact that her grieve is because of my own deeds…made  me

Wish I was dead at that moment

To have difficulty in swallowing my own cold saliva…to resent myself for being healthy and she is not…

I wish I was dead at that moment

Then to hear her calling my name…

She called for me…to hug me… she felt bad for me for sitting there in front of her door…hanging on a thread…

She missed me even though she’s angry with me…she missed me…

To feel her warm heart beats…brought me back to my senses…after having shivering toes and fingers…

After sobbing at her door…I cried comfortably in her arms…

And she smiled at me while saying I miss u…

God Bless you Mum…

Never do that to me ever again or else

I will wish I was dead at that moment


7 Responses to “I wish I was dead at that moment”

  1. أمل 14/05/2009 at 2:05 PM #

    ايه يا ساندي؟
    البوست بتاعك وقعلي قلبي

    يارب تكونوا بخير ويحفظلك ميمي من كل شر يارب
    قلقتيني :(

    هاجي أعضك

  2. Cinderella 14/05/2009 at 2:13 PM #

    ضحكتيني علي هعضك :D

    والله كان سوء تفاهم والحمد لله عدا :)
    متقلقيش ميمي بخير

  3. Knee 14/05/2009 at 2:58 PM #

    I figured this was about your Mum from like the second line I read..this is very touchy, another one that gave me chills.
    Especially that my Mum is finally here after a month of not seeing her, I can’t imagine her imprisoning herself like that..I would die on the floor just like you..

    Awesome one hunnie :)
    write on and rabena ye5allielek Tant yarab =)

  4. GlintingShadows 14/05/2009 at 3:28 PM #

    ok now u shud write another post on ur “stuck in a mad swirl of thoughts” friends on the other side…they too r sitting there knowing that there is somthing badly wrong, knowing that there help is not needed and that it will do no good, feeling helpless and chained, not being able to sooth there friend… in a state of “not understanding what on earth is going on!” let me tell u it feels like u’ve got a huge black hole right inside u sucking u all up… well i guess u already expierienced that…:S hmmm im just GLAD this was all a misunderstanding… i wish everything was a BIG misunderstanding, if it isnt so already…!

    enty gameela wana ba7ebek :)
    ana haru7 anadaf el beit m3 abooya ba2a!

  5. farakaa 19/05/2009 at 5:01 AM #

    عجبك كده؟
    انا مش مبطله عياط
    كرهتنى بسببك
    معلش يا بكريتى
    كان غصب عنى
    وفى عز غضبى
    كنتى واحشانى
    ماكنتش عايزه اخد الدوا منك
    بس كنت عايزه اخدك فى حضنى
    منك لله يا صاحب فكرة انى لازم ااقراها
    بحبك مهما عملتى

  6. sleepingspirit 21/05/2009 at 10:50 AM #

    U r outstanding ..
    Ur feelings flows over here and touching us deep inside ..

  7. Cinderella 22/05/2009 at 10:29 PM #

    Knee: hmmm i might consider not right my status on fb anymore so u’d be surprised when u read anything here :D:D loooool .. am kidding ! well am glad u r mum is with u .. enjoy her company and u know sometimes when am in mum’s hug i’d smell her .. it helps kteer awy :)

    Glinting SHadows: u r absoulty right..yet u know.. the fact that i was there knowing that if i asked u to come u would makes me wanna right a thank u letter to u guys :) mwa

    Wa7ed men elnas: thank u she is fine now

    Farakaa: mummmmmmmmmmmm :) well it was Hassan Khalil idea :D but i thank him coz know u now how i felt :)

    Sleepingspirit: thank u so much for such a feedback :) i appreciate it so much..welcome to my blog :)

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