My Race To Happiness

26 Jul

It’s a Friday afternoon, and I just happen to be working at home. Concentrating and all of a sudden I heard the Eisha Athan.

For a few seconds I remembered when I was at school, on a school night, doing my homework and hearing Al-Eisha athan calling on. On that moment I used to know that I have couple of hours left till sleep time. And I begin dreading the geometry exam the following day, or our geography teacher who gets her pleasure from pop quizzes and I’ve always hated geography. I’m fascinated by the subject but I can’t find my way in a straight line!

It’s funny how the sound or smell of something so general touches something buried deep in your heart. That you actually didn’t know it is there.

I remembered how till few years back I used to have that ridiculous habit.

I used to have race with anything and anywhere.

So for instance when I was a kid; I’d be running and a car running next to me. I’d tell myself if I reached the corner before the car; Mum will tell us her jokes tonight before sleeping. (We used to make mum tell us jokes every few days. THE SAME JOKES. And we would laugh each time. We laughed at the way mum told us the joke not the joke itself and we used to wake dad up every time from our laughter. I don’t know I remembered this but I love how my mum smells)

And guess what? I didn’t win and mum told us the jokes!

Or, I would be sitting at the backseat of the car. With Yasmine (my sister) sleeping on my lap. Dad and mum in front having Aum Kalthom playing. And every now and then I’d glance at them to make sure they are okay, laughing, talking… And I would look out at the window and find the moon winking at me. I swear I used to always feel that the moon is following me. ME PERSONALLY! And I wouldn’t tell anyone! So, when dad would be driving I’d tell myself if we passed those five building and the moon is still following me then one day the moon will give me a piece of it to keep.

And guess what? We passed and it followed!

Then as a teen, I raced myself while studying. If I finished writing this composition before the clock hits the 9th strike of nine o’clock; Nick Carter from BSB will marry me!

And guess what? I finished and Nick Carter didn’t marry me!

And so on and so forth.

All my childhood, teenage and few years from my twenties. I was always wishing upon a race.

….

I was happy. Completely utterly purely happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy now but different kind of happiness.

I guess when as a child, teen, young adult or in my case now just an adult (ahem going on 31) you have experienced levels of pain, disappointment, shock, broken heart. Your happiness get affected.

See, happiness is like a mirror. The more you feel pain or any of what followed. A piece, a small tiny piece of that mirror gets broken. Just a small one. And the broken part depends on what happened to you!

So, when you feel happy after that experience your mirror won’t be as pure as it once was. And that’s okay.

But I don’t know, some days (like today) you just miss when happiness was pure.

When your mum would put nail polish on your pinky from her favorite red nail polish after hours of begging. And she would remove it after 1 hour (as agreed before)

Or when you have your best friend over as a kid and your mum would fry some fries. Because for you; that’s a delicacy!

Or when your dad would wake you up by 5 AM to take you, your sister and your cousins to run in the club and start singing while running. And when Yasmin would get tired he would carry her on his shoulders. And you would feel like the big sister who had to suck up the pain because your younger sister is thinner than you and she can’t handle the tiredness but you can J

Or when Yasmin and I used to stay up in bed laughing our hearts out without any reason but silly stories and memories.

Or when Habiba (my other sister) would come up with a poem (she was 4 years old) and would make you hear it first before anyone else

Or when Mahmoud (my brother) would hug me all over of a sudden after I had bitten his nose (I loved biting his nose)

Or when my favorite song used to make me ecstatic just by playing randomly on the radio

Or when I would go to a concert with friends, just being there in the presence of live music and good friends used to make me purely happy.

Now, happiness is much more profound. Like the way my husband (wow! Still can’t believe am married) looks at me when am talking (as if I’m Opera or something)

Or the way he holds me that make me feel in those few minutes that my mirror is complete and scratch free.

Or how my cat wakes me up every day at 6 AM SHARP to play with her a bit before going to work.

Well, to be totally brutally honest. Being away from my root friends have taken a toll on me. A lot of things lost its taste. I miss them so much. They were so life enriching and meaningful. I miss learning everyday something from them even if it was an expression that I used to say wrong (and they made fun of me because of it) but I miss that!

….

There is that line from a song I’ve heard a while back and every time I get nostalgic, someone I love dies or I fall in the memories well , I remember it and it gets me even more stuck “God, give us the reason; youth is wasted on the young”

I really wonder why youth is wasted on the young.

Because the older you get the more realize that you have lost your youth. Your innocence to dream big without having anything to restrain you.

Or when you grow older you realize that the people who were young when you were younger you will never experience them the way you do when you are older and they are older. And lost their youth!

Why God didn’t give us our youth when we are 30? Everything before that is just… ummm numbness? Like for instance everyone around would be at the same age at the same time for a period of time then everyone would grow older with different variation of time. In that way I could have experienced my grandpa in his forties, or I would have lived my mum when she’s in her twenties and so am I and so I would never feel this way, you know?

Oh well

If I stopped feeling this way before it hits 12 AM, I’ll enjoy pure happiness soon.

peacefully submerged

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