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A Thought For Food

23 Feb

so, since i forgot my money today and i am hungry. i am willing to share my thoughts for food .. please?

well, as i am approaching to pay for my masters (that’s tomorrow) i cant help but notice that i have went through the contents of the masters just today around 25-30 times since morning maybe? just making sure, that yeah this is it. 

 

then, it hit me.

i never had a mentor. a guide. a Yoda!

although i actually have asked around 4 people to be my mentors (or mentos since i am hungry) their replies would vary between (no i am busy, or all of you are my sisters, or yes yes sure but never returns an email or a phone call) yay!

then it hit me again!

since education and learning is my motivator and also my passion. i scarcely can remember anyone teaching me anything outside school/training courses. except for few dishes that make taught me how to cook, how to drive, how to walk after leg injury, how to deal with kids and how to make fever go away.

but, i got to teach myself how to put make up (which by the way is a disaster and i blame every makeup guru in the world for it cause they are doing it so awesomely), how to cook literally everything other than the few dishes mama taught me, how to sew (i still suck at it), etc

and i got to learn how to reach a decision (which by the way is not easy when it’s career or educational one given that friends around you are doing their best yes but are as clueless/or not Yod-ish kinda guidance.

yes, i want when i reach the right decision i would see the “light” and hear the angels’ sighs “aaaah” like movies. 

i am as confused as Julia Roberts in Run Away Bride. And i have around 26 hours till i go and pay.

and if Mr. Miyagi came along right about now, i’ll just kungfu panda the hell out of him because it is already too late and i made up my mind already and what the hell.

shut up and give me food already.

 

She And Me (8)

7 Dec

Part 1 / Part 2 /Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6/ Part 7

 

Me: where have you been? You Vanished !

She: true i did .. and am actually enjoying it ..

Me: so how are you?

She: well i am good..

Me: how do you feel?

She: hmm .. i was asked today if i were happy ..

Me: and are you?

She: Happiness is a very unmeasureable thing ..

in fact it differs from one human being to the other ..

Me: hmm ..

She: the definition of happiness itself differs..

and the timing

the depth

the sort of happiness differs as well..

Me: so are you happy? on any category of the above?

She:  .. ive been happier i admit that ..

but ive never been more at peace of mind like i am nowadays .. am just calm !

i guess that’s kind happiness i suppose ..

so yeah .. am happy !

 

I Know Am Not Good When I Dream Constantly .. On Nightly Basis !

5 Aug

so the past week ive been dreaming intensely about people i don’t want to see ever in my life again..and yet i do dream about them ..

why is that?

i really don’t know ..

but all i know is ..because of these dreams today i cant sleep .. as if my mind is taking a stand against  dreams .. unwanted dreams .. of people uninvited to my mind..

but then again..i dreamed of strange people…people i knew and met for few times .. or on a hurry..or never talked to before..or even said hi to !

i actually told one of them that i had a dream about him,he laughed and told me ” am every girl’s dream anyway” so i laughed right back at him .. actually couldn’t stop laughing !  not because the guy is bad or ugly or anything ( cause he’s not in a million years.. ) but because of the self confidence he speaks with.. you gotta admire it even if you don’t agree with him :D .. anyway .. it’s like a rule to me..when i dream about someone..i tell them.. but this time..i wont ! i just dont want to actually consider talking to them .. to the uninvited visitors i mean ..


i know am not good when i dream constantly ..on nightly basis !

i sometimes miss my dreamless nights..

cause that’s when my heart is comfort and safe ..

i know myself so well that i resent it sometimes !


since i was a kid and dreams played a big role in my life ..

not only cause it might affect one of my decisions but also for a hidden reason ( for me ) my dreams always always played the warning bells for upcoming unfortunate events !

Since January the 16th 2010 and dreams played a bigger part in my life than usual.. before major incidents occur i would dream about them .. word for word but instead of words .. acts !

for instance i dreamed once that i was driving in a pitch black night and no what so ever beam of light existed..and i was driving on a high way and the cars next to me didn’t have any light and i didn’t have any light.. i stopped and tried calling someone to help me but they didn’t pick up and their grandma did ! telling me that they went to the hospital with their grandpa ! to wake up and actually find them in the hospital with their grand pa .. and the driving in the pitch black happened later :)

and that kept on happening .. ( the dreaming )


dear me..
please sleep,
dear sleep..
please be dreamless,
dear dreams..
please be nice to me..
night is all i have ..
dont take that away !


Insomnaic


Identity Crisis !

9 Jul

What is an identity?

i was having a conversation today with Omar about the identity .. and how some people would for instance imitate rockers so i was like

: I guess people would do that till they find thier identity ! they are having an identity crisis !

Omar: so do you have an identity ?

Me: yeah .. i guess so ! actually i hope so !

am an apple

and now here i am rethinking of the question and actually i dont know !

cause first i need to know what is an identity?

is it a place i belong to?

or a person i am loyal to?

or is it an idea i live for?

or a vision i die for?

or is it having a reference that i live and abide by?

or is it all of the above?


so .. do you define the identity or the identity defines you?

and is it another way people invented to judge one another?

or is it seriously a problem?


Identity ..

is it the homeland? or home?

is it religion? or faith?

is it a family? or the sense of belonging?

is it love? or the joy that comes with it?

is it a person? or the sense of security that comes with them?

is it a friend? or the ” being accepted the way i am ” part?

is it to a rock-star? or the excitement that is around him?




and .. actually to be honest .. when i said the words ” Identity Crisis ” i guess i didnt comprehend how powerful these words are .. cause right now .. i feel like am having an ”  identity crisis “ moment !


Though .. maybe just maybe after writing down all these questions ..

i think .. or again i hope i have an idea of what might be my identity.. that is IF am asking the right questions in the first place ..


so again ..

what is Identity?

Things In My Bag

23 Jun

well for sometime now ive been wanting to update my bag content .. get and buy stuff and remove stuff ..

so the things i need to have in my bag are:

  1. Tissue
  2. Wet Tissue
  3. A needle and a thread
  4. Pen
  5. Good Book
  6. Comb
  7. Nail Polish Remover

Things i need to remove from my bag :

  1. the big bottle of hand lotion and replace it with a smaller one
  2. photos
  3. un-needed recites
  4. Trash at the bottom of the bag
  5. YOU !

yes YOU ..

the bag will be much lighter ..

i cant carry you around all the time .. more weight .. more thinking .. more insecurities than the ones i already have ..

so now i’ll flip the bag from the window .. and PUFF ! you‘re gone with the wasted paper , tissues , dreams and fears !


Bag .. Baggage .. loads of waste .. loads of insecurities

every person has their own baggage .. i have one hell of a baggage .. and you came along just to make it worse .. that wont affect who i am , and wont affect my heart inside .. am not gonna let you get to me !

The thing is the insecurities i’ll be having will cause some trust and Belief in others issue ..

but i’ll be as i am .. looking for the best side in people .. even if they did hurt me .. but the only difference is .. am not gonna trust them as easy or believe them as fast .. !

or will i ?

and i take care of myself

17 Jun

and i take care of myself ..


i am nobody’s fool ..

i am my own stupid thinker ..

i am my own decision maker..

am my mood shifter ..


and i take care of myself..


i am my leash ..

i am my own inside joke ..

my own personal joke ..

and the black comedy sketch that you will find only me laughs on ..


and i take care of myself ..


i am my weeper ..

i am my own worrier..

i am my own warrior ..

and i am my only battle that i need to have a win win situation in ..


and i take care of myself ..


i am the only person that gets to me ..

i am the only person i dont pity ..

am the only soul that i am cruel with ..

i toughen my own self up ..


and i take care of myself ..


am my own singer ..

and my own dreamer ..

am the swing of my childhood ..

am my feelings streamer ..


and i take care of myself ..


i am my own insecurities ..

i am my own healer ..

i am my self absorbent ..

and my own drug dealer !


and i take care of myself ..


the thing is ..

i know how to take care of myself.. very well ..

in fact .. after taking care of yourself..

it’s hard to let anyone do that for you ..

hard to let anyone in ..

or to ” want ” to hand in your keys to anyone ..

or to the ” special ” one ..

you are always suspicious of their intentions ..

you are always wondering the worst ” What if they got tired of me? or simply not that into me? “

i am my own insecurities ..

i just need to be my own safety net !

lady bug

I take care of myself

لخابيط يوم عجيب خيالي الهوية

26 May
    1. واكتبلك علي ورقة حتي بقول ما بقدر اقول ..ياريتك مش رايح ياريتك تبقي تبقي علي طول
    2. يوم سريالي
    3. مش مصدقة ده بيحصل حالا
    4. ممكن فعلا؟
    5. لا طلع مش ممكن
    6. طب ممكن اقع؟
    7. طب ممكن تلحقني؟
    8. طب وبعدين؟
    9. oh i dont believe you when you say you wont come here no more
    10. طب ممكن انقل قوتي و جرائتي وحبي لحد باني المسهم؟طب اجرب؟
    11. جربت؟
    12. حاسس بحاجة؟
    13. الطاقة ايلي جوايا متنقلتش؟
    14. طب وبعدين؟
    15. انا في كابوس؟
    16. لا هو انا في حلم وحش..يعني كابوس…صح؟
    17. زعيق
    18. عياط
    19. عياط
    20. طب ممكن اعمل ايه؟
    21. هو الهرب في الحالة دي مُجدي؟
    22. طب اني اخطفك؟
    23. بتضحك؟ انا بتكلم جد علي فكرة
    24. اصل انا مش مصدقة اصل زمان من واحنا اطفال اتقالنا متكذبش,متفتنش,متسرقش,خليك مؤدب ,خليك نظيف ,حب صحابك ,خليك جدع و كويس مع الكبير والصغير عشان ربنا يحبك والناس تحبك ..بس محدش قالنا من واحنا صغيرين اننا اما نكبر ممكن نترفض عشان … سننا !!!يعني اغيرها ازاي دي؟طب ممكن اعمل ايه في حياتي انا دلوقتي؟احط نفسي في تلاجة طيب؟
    25. اصل المصيبة ان جوايا لسه حب ..اه مصيبة طبعا
    26. طب ممكن تمشي بعيد عني دلوقتي
    27. لا ..متمشيش
    28. الوقت خلص؟
    29. طب ممكن نجمد اللحظة دي ؟ممكن نفضل كده علي طول؟
    30. طب فكرة تانية لو مصر دخلت حرب .. تفتكر الدنيا هتتغير؟تفكير الناس كلها يتغير؟
    31. طب انا لو كنت بموت تفتكر ممكن التفكير يتغير؟اصل هكون فضلي وقت صغير في الحياة فا تسعدوا بنت بتموت ولا ايه؟اصل لو كده ابتدي انزل اعمل شيك اب يمكن يطلعلي حاجة وانا معرفش
    32. اصل انا عارفة اصلا ان انا عمري قصير فا نختصر بقا من دلوقتي مش لازم اروح اعمل ام الشيك اب يعني
    33. حبوا بعضن ..تركوا بعضن
    34. انا مخنوقة ودايخة
    35. عياط
    36. ابتسامة
    37. اليوم خلص
    38. طب ممكن اعمل اعادة من الاول؟
    39. انا باطالب باعادة

    يوم مش حقيقي

    يوم في خيالي

    يوم خيالي

    يوم كابوسي الهوية

    مش عايزاه يحصل

    وان حصل مش عايزة احس بيه

    وان حسيت بيه عايزة حباية تنسوهولي

    وان منستنيش الحباية ..هاطالب بالاعادة زي منا باطالب دلوقتي في اليوم الخيالي ان ميجيش تاني عشان وجع القلب الخيالي ايلي انا فيه ده

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