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A Thought For Food

23 Feb

so, since i forgot my money today and i am hungry. i am willing to share my thoughts for food .. please?

well, as i am approaching to pay for my masters (that’s tomorrow) i cant help but notice that i have went through the contents of the masters just today around 25-30 times since morning maybe? just making sure, that yeah this is it. 

 

then, it hit me.

i never had a mentor. a guide. a Yoda!

although i actually have asked around 4 people to be my mentors (or mentos since i am hungry) their replies would vary between (no i am busy, or all of you are my sisters, or yes yes sure but never returns an email or a phone call) yay!

then it hit me again!

since education and learning is my motivator and also my passion. i scarcely can remember anyone teaching me anything outside school/training courses. except for few dishes that make taught me how to cook, how to drive, how to walk after leg injury, how to deal with kids and how to make fever go away.

but, i got to teach myself how to put make up (which by the way is a disaster and i blame every makeup guru in the world for it cause they are doing it so awesomely), how to cook literally everything other than the few dishes mama taught me, how to sew (i still suck at it), etc

and i got to learn how to reach a decision (which by the way is not easy when it’s career or educational one given that friends around you are doing their best yes but are as clueless/or not Yod-ish kinda guidance.

yes, i want when i reach the right decision i would see the “light” and hear the angels’ sighs “aaaah” like movies. 

i am as confused as Julia Roberts in Run Away Bride. And i have around 26 hours till i go and pay.

and if Mr. Miyagi came along right about now, i’ll just kungfu panda the hell out of him because it is already too late and i made up my mind already and what the hell.

shut up and give me food already.

 

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Running The Miles

16 Feb

he would wake us up at 6 AM, Friday mornings, with a very comforting voice.

suggesting as if it’s the most original idea in the world,  that we would take the leap out our beds and go run with him in the club before people start waking up.

it would be very cold and we would be covered in piles of clothes. excited and eager to be with him, hugging him for such a wonderful IDEA!

he used to love running. now i look back and wonder if he liked running because of the action or because of the intention behind it.

so, he would start running and he would ask me to hold my sister’s hand because he needs to run a bit faster but he will be running back to us (which he did.. and then he didn’t)

my sister and i would hold each other’s hands tight as if running side by side is not enough to make sure we wont get lost.. and we still hold each other’s hands while running side by side in life.. and as we grew older we knew, that yes! you can get lost even if you are next to each other if you didn’t hold each other’s hand tightly and faithfully.

so, my sister would get tired mid way, and we would stop running waiting for my dad to come back to us. and when he did, i would request that he would carry her on his shoulder. she’s tiny, thin, small and cold!

so he would, and then we would start singing while running. we would sing “1, 2 , 3 we are running, whose shoes should we ruin” and whoever name we chose, need to run faster to avoid having their shoes stepped on.

we would laugh so hard, and i always glance up at my sister to make sure she’s okay. and i would smile knowing she wont get lost when she’s on his shoulders!

I don’t think i ever felt the urge to ask “why not carry me?” , and i am really proud of the selfless kid i used to be. i guess that carried on to now as a curse. but that’s okay, the kid in me is proud of the selfless adult i am now.

I remember, he would always praise how strong my steps would be. i remember i always felt proud that my athletic dad thinks i have strong footsteps! and now i remember, that when i used to run fast my feet would hurt but i would tell myself (don’t let him down now, he just praised your steps) how ironic life could be..

what reminded me of that memory?

simple!

I was back home few days ago, and as i was sitting in my ink black old room, i heard a couple of friendly neighborhood dogs barking like they used to back then when i was a kid and thought they are protecting us against all the evil that tries to enter our street.

how magical sounds could be..

how nostalgic memories attached to them are.. 

 

yasmin-and-i

 

via Daily Prompt: Sound

No More Dreaming Like A Girl,So In Love With The Wrong World

22 Nov

so last night was a lonely night..

and so is today ..

dreamed of colors,roses and rainbows

to notice the storm .. we aint in the month of may !


so last night i stood there and i fought with every cell of my being not to go down,

fighting temptations really consumes and drains one’s soul !

fighting temptations kills the soul that fall with no sound ,

some people think that when you just lure them they will fall for the bait just because they are in need !

they don’t know that when you feed your temptation you will end up dead and will regret you ever got fed !

YES FIGHTING TEMPTATION will torture you

but giving in to it will feed on your soul!

let me be..and leave me alone,

let me be in peace .. let me be in one piece.

i dont need anymore shuttered souls around ..

one is enough for me !

..

not because am single then am desperate,

am single by choice and the proof of that is i just turned you down and stood there for myself and told you NO !

..

you call it selfishness .. greediness ..

i call it self-preservation and self-control !

..

am not just gonna say yes because i want to ,not even cause i need to ! so save your breathe for another girl who might take the humiliation ..

..

just know i will not be a one night stand just because that’s what you want from me ! I WONT !

whether you were direct and honest about it or started with the ” I want to marry you ” pathetic..pathetic line !

i dont need any validation from anyone that am cute,beautiful,sexy,kissable or whatsoever

i dont need any validation from anyone that am a good person cause simply ive been through a lot of turning points roads and i know my choices made me what i am .. A GOOD PERSON !

..

you made me feel like am a failure,a whore,cheap and it is not your fault it’s simply mine cause i gave you the permission to get to me !

..

and so .. right now you are banned from my life,just get the hell out of here i dont need nor want you ever in my life again !

and know for a fact that when you make up your mind that am not gonna be here waiting for you !

am gone !

im better off without you .. im lighter and i know cause i took the decision to live without you ..that am stronger !

..

.

P.S: that’s a lot of collective thoughts through out the past period..

thoughts of what’s happening to me ,around me and within me !

and to conclude it .. ill attach a song i attached before..it just proves that it’s true !

My Man..

18 Oct
  • when he loves my voice and actually tells me so ..
  • when he laughs at my silly jokes just cause i suck at telling them or on my laughter..
  • when he would wake me up in the middle of the night just because he misses my voice even if that means i’ll have hard time sleeping ..
  • he would read for me..and would actually read to me when am ill
  • when he hears a love song will write its name down so we can hear it together ..
  • when we are together and we are about to go out .. we change our mind in the last minute and stay at home cuddling in the cold winter night
  • he wouldnt cancel my calls without sending an sms telling me something beautiful with the fact that he cant answer at the moment ..
  • when he doesnt feel like talking .. he will call and tell me he doesnt feel like talking and might talk about anything else beside what makes him feel so ..
  • when he is with his friends he will text me telling me he misses me ..
  • when am with my friends he will call to check on me and asks me to tell them that he says hi :)
  • in the middle of a hectic day at work  .. we will be together ..just a small link .. something we promised would make us remember each other
  • when i cry he would get so angry and so gentle that would make me pity him ..
  • we would go to a bookstore buy a book together just one copy so that we would read it together ..
  • will be crazy and lunatic when it comes to me ! :)
  • when we go to a wedding or an engagement party he wont be too “shy” to ask me for a dance !
  • he wont be too arrogant to apologize
  • he will be too gentle to accept my apology ..
  • my smile is his weakness.. and i can see it in his eyes !

  • he cant stay away from me without any sort of contact..that would drive him mad!
  • he would hate to see me taking a taxi !
  • he would get me without having to constantly explain myself .. he wont misunderstand me !
  • he will know my language and will understand it .. and will actually know my (meows) and know when and how i use it!
  • will tell me i am beautiful..pretty.. even when i am pale and ugly!
  • he will love how i smell .. my perfume will be driving him insane !
  • hya7’odni 3la ad 3a2li ..
  • will love that silly child in me and will know how to handle her !
  • i’ll be the first on his mind when he wakes up and the last to be with before he sleeps !
  • i’ll be the reason for his happiness and all the hidden smiles he will find himself smiling when he’s alone..
  • i’ll be his shoulder ..i’ll be his home..
  • i’ll be with him on the phone when the roads are jammed and he’s in the car ..
  • we will sing together on the song on the radio and people around him will be watching like a crazy mad person in the car!
  • he will ask for my opinion even if it was worthless just because he loves the way i express myself..as if i done it all know it all !
  • he will know when am being sarcastic and when am being funny ..

  • he will respect my feelings and wont try to make me feel jealous cause he knows how much it hurts ..
  • i’ll be his comfort zone ..
  • he knows he can count on me ..and that i’ll stand for myself..but he wont let me do that ..cause he is always there!
  • he will watch with me all my chick flick movies and will give me the tissues when i cry and actually will laugh at me and hug me while saying (ya day3a) ..
  • and when a horror movie is showing will cuddle up and will frighten me in the middle of it and wont stop laughing..
  • I’ll watch football with him and for the heck of it ill be rooting for the opposite team and when his team gets screwed..I’ll switch back and feel bad with him!
  • he will buy me (foll) mn elesharat :)
  • he will be nice to me .. even if we are fighting together ..
  • he will know my insecurities and respect them and love me for them ..
  • he will try to keep up with my face-book,buzzing,tweeting,blogging,tumblring and photographing and might fail and yet will encourage me cause he believes i still have more to give and that my existence affects others positively !
  • he will be happy to introduce me to his friends and family!
  • his family will love me .. cause really am a good human being ..
  • and he will love my family right back ..
  • and will respect my mom so much and love her so much ..
  • will love every bit of me
  • will handle my craziness and my “always” moving phase
  • will handle my crying and depression
  • he will hug me and really make me feel safe (and that’s a rare thing to happen ..)
  • he will be just him ..
  • and will love me .. for just me !
  • he will be certain about me and so damn sure .. he wants no one else but me !

I love it when ..

19 Jun

well this post i wanted to write a long time ago .. but every time i get down with it .. and start listing .. something blocks me .. but today am inspired , am good .. am not gonna let anything get to me  .. : )

I love it when :


I love it when ..


  1. i get off the elevator and search for my keys in the bag to hear my cat (memes) meowing on the other side of the door waiting for me .
  2. A total stranger says Hello and smile .
  3. I look at Mahmoud ( my brother ) and find that he’s taller than me , infact comparing to him am tiny ! and that he would put his arm around me like a father would do to his little kid and kiss my forehead , that i would watch him (without him notcing) while he’s looking at the mirror fixing his hair before going out and thinking to myself ( he likes a girl ! )
  4. i get all jumpy and ridiculous and still people around me ياخدوني علي اد عقلي
  5. Rana sleeps over , having your best friend there in the night , so peaceful ! , when we would sit in the car (maybe one of us is crying or so down to speak) and all of a sudden (Imma be ) is playing so we start dancing and laughing then go back to the prior song status !
  6. Hassan ( my friend ) calls me to check on me and asks me to be Good and happy , and joke around to make sure am ok cause he knows if am so from the way i laugh .
  7. Habiba (my younger sister) would lecture me about how to deal with men and tells me how naiive i am ,or when i hear her laughter over the phone with one of her friends !
  8. someone i met once would take the time to come a long distance just to say ( Good Morning Cinderella )
  9. Omar calls or send me an sms telling me ( Mornin lass ) , or for that matters when he actually talks !
  10. people would nod saying ( Thank you )
  11. Yasmin (my sister) would have long hours calls and she is actually happy .. she deserves to be happy and loved !
  12. a long lost friend calls to say ( I miss you )
  13. i hear my mum’s voice echoing through the walls of the house .. and wonder how the hell was i ever mad at her even when we get on each other’s nerves !
  14. two people not on good terms , and never really reconciled and met after that would smile with ( i didnt forget, yet i forgave )
  15. Any of my cousins call me to check on me and ask how i am ( all 5 of them do that always )
  16. people compliment my clothes ( cause i dont wear anything , i wear what’s me ! ) :D
  17. Wicked comments on my status and pics on facebook.
  18. Bishoy ( my friend ) would call up to know my updates on interviews,life and me ! :)
  19. someone trusts me with their deepest words !
  20. Mahmoud ( my brother ) finds me awake would come and hug me and sit down and talk to me..telling me details about me i thought he never knew.. or shock me with a memory he remembers about me that i thought he never did !
  21. Habiba ( my sister) and i in the car , puts on the perfect music for us and keep cruising around in silence just to listen to the music.
  22. Yasmin ( my sister ) share with me her feelings and ask for my opinion ( given that she is wiser than me yet younger )
  23. Ze2reda ( my turtle ) would come and bite my toe nail when she’s hungry
  24. it’s too hot to breath yet AC is doing a beautiful job !
  25. a man driving would have some curtsy with women !
  26. Total strangers pray for me !
  27. a friend would call or send an sms to check on you on a normal day !
  28. an sms turns out to be exactly what you needed to read !
  29. Marwa would send me credit and sends me an sms telling me ( masrofk elshahry ) :D
  30. disappointments turn to be only in my head !
  31. I am good to go , i am good to finally let go , and too good to be let go !
  32. You think you arrived late when in fact your watch is set 15 minutes forward !
  33. People would remember your name and call you with it !
  34. you make people laugh just by your facial expressions !
  35. you find out that there is someone else watches the same movie and knows the exact same lines that you do !
  36. the song that you thought you discovered all by yourself is known and famous !
  37. you share a secret with someone no one else knows ! EVER !
  38. the other person is patient, cool,slow and treating my anger, anxious,freaking out in the most soothing way
  39. at night the weather is so cold that you yearn some cuddling !
  40. i daydream and after a while it’s mentioned to me as a dream and a fantasy of the other person !
  41. i do something and at night when i recall back my day i smile about it over and over and over and over again
  42. Your friend starts listing your positive points .. the small ones you didnt think you had them in the first place !
  43. people ask me for guidance ..
  44. someone would actually tell me that i changed their lives !

and last but not least :

  • Mum tells me that ( she loves me so much, and that when i am not home she feels like an orphan , and if i slept over at one of my friend’s she feels unsecured and scared , and that no matter how long my sisters are always around her for days, when i am for an hour is enough for her, that she comes at night when am sleeping to kiss me , that am her kindest kid she has ,the one with the perfect heart , that when i sit down with her and talk she feels like a child talking to their mum ,that she knows i love her genuinely without wanting anything from her except her happiness even if that meant the opposite for me , that she wishes one day i’ll love her like she loves me ) !

i have a very long list .. every now and then i’ll write a new post about the list !




:)


Lessons Learned

6 Jun

Lessons Learned Before

  • Dont Allow anyone to get to you ! ” that’s pretty hard for me personally cause i let everyone gets to me easily “
  • When you go out with a couple NEVER be a third wheel not only cause it’s lonely nor because it’s sometimes weird but because you never know what will happen between them and you will be left alone at the end !
  • When you have a big day the following day stay home and focus cause you never know what will happen outside that will distract you from the following day.
  • Dont put high hopes on words power cause even though it takes days to write it down,huge amount of guts,sleepless nights , less than a second to be sent , the reaction can shock and awwww exactly the same if you wrote it in a minute .
  • Knowing yourself inside out , knowing your value inside out doesnt mean everyone will appreciate you .
  • Next time ,dont explain ,say the word and move on.
  • tame yourself not to be impressed,shocked,surprised nor overwhelmed.
  • No matter how hard you have tried to express yourself in all languages ,signs and numbers you know, if he’s not the one he wont get it,and if he’s the one he’ll get it from a look.
  • Most men are full-time selfish bastards.
  • that inner voice you have inside ,is there for a reason,respect it !
  • if you ever thought that ” You were different “ you are wrong ! YOU ARE SO WRONG ! you ” as in us ” were not different.. cause if “you” were then you wouldnt be apart smarty !
  • Always have change in your pocket , cause you might need to buy tissue from someone sitting beside you when you dont have any and your eyes and nose are running down the hill !
  • Dont expect ! PERIOD ! cause people who care will exceed your expectations before having any !
  • look gorgeous even if you feel like crap,cause looking like crap and feeling like one will end in suicide or at least a nervous breakdown when you first meet your reflection when you are out already !
  • Happy thoughts wont help,sad thoughts wont help,thoughts wont help,numbness wont help,sleeping wont help,insomniac wont help,laughing wont help,crying wont help,reading wont help,writing wont help,eating wont help,food deprivation wont help,cursing wont help,talking wont help,deciding wont help,indecisiveness wont help,selfishness wont help,sacrificing wont help,politeness wont help,rudeness wont help,reasoning wont help,emotions wont help,family wont help,friends wont help,enemies wont help,strangers wont help,denial wont help,reality wont help,rebounds wont help,getting back wont help,plans wont help,chaos wont help,begging wont help,pride wont help,obedience wont help,rebellion wont help,noise wont help,silence wont help,crowd wont help,loneliness wont help,cutting your hair wont help,highlighting your hair wont help..

nothing will help EVER

if it’s not meant to be !

and if the other person chose to move on..

as  it will take forever to wake an awake person cause he’s not sleeping in the first place !

  • reevaluate your thoughts,dreams,principals and lists every 3 months,dont wait till something drastic to happen to do so.
  • let it go ! you are holding only one end of the rope , so if the other end is let loose , let it go so your hand would be free for another rope to come along.
  • Pain cant be skipped .. live it so it would leave already.
  • Face your memories ,look them in the eye,escaping your memories will only cause a brutal haunt and you will be haunted down till you drop.
  • Dont take any one’s advice nor personal experience, listen to them , appreciate,evaluate and follow your own instinct.
  • there is no such thing called Pride between lovers but there is Dignity.
  • Be Graceful even in your ugly crying .
  • Be Merciful and dont hit people when they are down.
  • Be a man ( metaphorically) and dont slap someone whenever you get the chance just because you got the chance.
  • when you dont like it .. say it !
  • you dont need to impress anyone , be yourself that’s impressive enough these days !
  • Sad songs wont bring anything except sad feelings of abundance, humiliation, burnt dreams and hopes and plans for that matters,so dont do Sad songs specially not alone .. it gets worse !
  • STOP BEING TALKATIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Dont ever think that others think,feel,endure or gives a damn like you do !
  • Dont keep a calendar to all the dates and beautiful memories cause that will be THE pain in the butt the following doomed year !
  • Always say ” i love you “ when you have the chance cause you might never have the chance again.
  • Dont Dwell .. ok who am i kidding !? TRY NOT TO DWELL !
  • when you have a conversation with your mum or dad and you’re so mad at them remember how they looked like when you were in pain ..
  • Friends are a blessing that i cherish .. specially pain in the butt friends,who will kick your butt if you screwed specially if the one being harmed is yourself.
  • DANCE ! even when you dont feel like it,even if your feet is swelling,your eyes are nearly closed from crying..even if you’ve just been broken..DANCE ..
  • Sit alone in your living room when everyone is sleeping,close the lights,open the window,enjoy the silence of the universe and SMILE !
  • write down all the angry feelings you have with every curse and bad word you know and then shred the paper ..
  • Appreciate your cat,specially if it’s like mine (memes) , she comes around and sleeps in my lap when am sad,crying, lonely,depressed, suppressed,down or slightly negative,as if she has super powers to suck all of that away,she’s the friend in need that gets rid of all these feelings for me .. for free !
  • and last but not least (i leave the best for last generally)

Pray !

Pray !

Pray !

Even if you’re sitting in your car semi-driving ,your mind has flew away,your heart has left , you dignity has been shot from a close range,your trust has been betrayed and you’re all alone,listening to fairoz ( za3ly tawl ana weyyak or 7abbo b3d tarko b3d) .. Pray .. close your eyes (cause they are already half closed from crying) for a split of a second and PRAY ..


i think i’ll come up with more points for me to add ..

i need this to read it over and over again when my memories fail to remind me of the pain i was in,

or when my heart tricks me into the games i dont wanna play anymore..

i’ll read this .. and toughen up and move on …


MOVE ON ALREADY !

What i am to you is not what you're to me

2008 and 2009

3 Jan

i sat down couple of days ago writing down things i wouldn’t do or would do in 2009

here are some of it ..

1) i wont be stupid :-

*i was stupidlyy full of “trust” and this wont happen again

2) i will watch the signs however small they were and wont ignore them

3) listen to the inner voice of me from the very first beginning (I knew better,damn it!)

4)whenever i see a beggar i will sure give him/her.. cause that leave me with such guilty conscious that i may dream about it the same night !

5) when my turtle gets in my way i will remove it more gently than i usually do

6) when mum and i get into an argument i will settle and wont debate ..cause i know she means well after all

7) wont take SHIT from anyone ..wont accept it and wont shut up if that happened

8)will put food for my cats 3 times a day and try to be fair between all of them : )

9)wont expect anything from anyone..even old friends..finnito ! am done in that area..

everything is expected to happen

and nothing is expected from them !

10)my dancing classes will be at least 3 times a week..cause simply i enjoy dancing so why the hell wont make it a fun routine?

11)am midway in enjoying myself..and will continue learning that : )

12) not everyone is a good friend

13) Take my time to breath..there is no need to rush anything..

14) be a better human being according to my terms..and who doesn’t like it.. (hit the road Jack)

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