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A Thought For Food

23 Feb

so, since i forgot my money today and i am hungry. i am willing to share my thoughts for food .. please?

well, as i am approaching to pay for my masters (that’s tomorrow) i cant help but notice that i have went through the contents of the masters just today around 25-30 times since morning maybe? just making sure, that yeah this is it. 


then, it hit me.

i never had a mentor. a guide. a Yoda!

although i actually have asked around 4 people to be my mentors (or mentos since i am hungry) their replies would vary between (no i am busy, or all of you are my sisters, or yes yes sure but never returns an email or a phone call) yay!

then it hit me again!

since education and learning is my motivator and also my passion. i scarcely can remember anyone teaching me anything outside school/training courses. except for few dishes that make taught me how to cook, how to drive, how to walk after leg injury, how to deal with kids and how to make fever go away.

but, i got to teach myself how to put make up (which by the way is a disaster and i blame every makeup guru in the world for it cause they are doing it so awesomely), how to cook literally everything other than the few dishes mama taught me, how to sew (i still suck at it), etc

and i got to learn how to reach a decision (which by the way is not easy when it’s career or educational one given that friends around you are doing their best yes but are as clueless/or not Yod-ish kinda guidance.

yes, i want when i reach the right decision i would see the “light” and hear the angels’ sighs “aaaah” like movies. 

i am as confused as Julia Roberts in Run Away Bride. And i have around 26 hours till i go and pay.

and if Mr. Miyagi came along right about now, i’ll just kungfu panda the hell out of him because it is already too late and i made up my mind already and what the hell.

shut up and give me food already.



Aesthetic and Ecstasy

19 Jan

is there a relation between aesthetic and ecstasy?

well dont start searching for the meaning of the two words, i got you covered (in a way) .. actually in my way.

i for one, have been living on the face of the earth for the last 33-ish years and never have i used the word aesthetic. is it the lack of vocabulary on my side or the fact that i never found someone, or something so beautiful that i had to use the word aesthetic?

yes, the word Aesthetic actually means the appreciation of beauty, nature or art. or for some over happy people, they usually use the phrase as “i feel aesthetic”. i always wanted to ask them: by that do you mean that you feel you are always in awe of something or you believe yourself to be a state of the art that needs to be appreciated? no hard feelings though!

i dont know why, but the moment i read the word aesthetic, the word ecstasy just popped in my mind. and it kept knocking on the door asking to be heard out of why it’s related to aesthetic.

this is what Ecstasy had to say:

(i believe that am a stronger feeling and deeper than Aesthetic. you can always be aesthetic but you will rarely feel the ecstasy of appreciation of a certain element of life.

you can always lie to yourself or compliment someone by saying (i’m aesthetic) but i am more honest! it will show on your face and eyes and sound if you do feel the ecstasy of a situation or a person or a piece of music.

i’m high! both physically and mentally. you will rarely find me on the ground. i’ll take you on my back and lift you up from where all the lame aesthetics are there.

i’m not easily attained or maintained but you are lucky if you get to know me and involve me in your life.

i devour aesthetic in my definition, to feel the ecstasy you need to pass by aesthetic first, and move on to me.

i’m a violent feeling, not in a sense of beating up but in the sense of earthquake and shattering,

dont live your life for long without me. seize me, or miss me).




Wall-less Prison

21 Nov
and i sat there in-front of your words,
couldn’t recognize which hurts more; the fact that you had the heart to write them down, or the fact that you feel them.
your handwriting is as steady as a flat line in a heart monitor,not a twitch, not a crossed word.
i don’t care if your mind thinks we are a misfit and in your perfect world we need not to be so.
i don’t mind being a misfit, always was and always will be.
tormenting each other with one another is my new addiction, and being high on pain is worse kind of addiction.
am dwelling with the pleasure of being in a lost cause love with you.
and i don’t care how unhealthy the shadow you left behind in my life is,
your toxic shadow is far more welcomed than a healthy sunshine.
so walk away as far as you want, in your heart am prisoned forever with a no-key lock.

Truth about hope #life #lostLove even.. #Nov23 :)

28 Nov

i realized,

false hope is as good as certain hope.

what is the benefit of hope? #Tahrir

It gives you the trail of light when it’s dark,

it makes you breath in the oxygen even when you are in thick air,

adds life to the one you are about to lose..

and most importantly gives you a heart beating sense of tomorrow..


Then,live today,

dream today,

love today..

because you never know if you will be around tomorrow,

then why throw away a chance of reliving your dreams through hope or false hope for that matters?


Hope is faith,

so always..

always keep the faith..

The Wait

17 Nov
i always seem to run away from nightmares,
monsters and shadows
pain and misery
heartache and loneliness
Tahrir and death
zombies and death-eaters,
some I faced and conquered and some not yet..
my dreams and nightmares are so vivid and as far as am concerned they are true,
I cry in my dreams to wake up on tears,
I scream in a nightmare that its echo,in my room would scare me,
I run from bullets as fast as I can to wake up painting and thirsty,
I fall from the highest building to wake up on painful bones and bruises,
and when it comes to monsters, I always run on a slow motion and I wake up disappointed in my lack of ability to survive,
I knew ill fall for a man like you few years back when I had my “light”
dream – yes that’s what I call you when am mad at you –
I fell in love with you in a dream,to wake up answering your question with a “Yes”
all I know is,
am tired of AlWAYS waking up cold and alone,
I’ve already chosen to sink in your arms and be comfortably,willingly,safely
and happily numb,
the Await..
is long my love..

Different Sunrise

16 Nov
just sit down and let the sunrise talk to you,
when everything is uncertain or untrue,
just sit down and let the light breath
let it kill all the shadows till your fears seize
to exist,
to flourish,
to multiply
just sit down, no need to struggle
it will sink deeper the harder
the longer you try,
just place your backbone on the wall
and surrender,
just breath in
breath out
breath in,
let the cold air inside
-blink twice to give the permission-
as it will solely be your mender..

And He Said…

26 Feb

And he said am the sugar to his tea

and am the sweetest sweet-potato in history, 


He said he can see right through me

and yet in a weird way am his biggest long quest mystery,


i’d kill the messenger and leave his body behind

if his news were cruel

or his ways were unkind,


And that am a savage

nearly an animal

or a bobcat on two feet,

yet am fragile

and most “handle with care” girl he will ever meet,


and he laughed saying that am his first and last cigarette

and yet ill be the death of him!

down to the last shiver of his spine

he knows to his life am a threat!


am the brush of the color indigo

and as sad as the story will flow

he cant seem to let me go,


and then he sighed..

paused for a while

and he looked at me,

whispered in my ear

with words that made

my heart tremble

my feet stumble

and all my walls…calmly retreat!

tarot the fool

remind me..who's the fool again?

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