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But what’s love anyway?

2 Nov

i won’t wear accessories, unless they are actual gold, not silver even

i wear only authentic pearls

and sapphire and emerald are the only stones i’ll have near my skin.

i love my tea only when it’s ginger soaked,

my coffee double shot cold and sour,

my dreams psychedelic and heartbreaking,

my cats rebellious and disobedient.

i only call people good friends when they are loyal and trustworthy.

i call my day tiring when it’s fullfilling

and my night lonesome when only spent crying.

i know it’s soul touching art when the sigh comes between two heart beats, so strong it almost stops the poor heart.

only the songs that are on repeat are the recognized pieces of me,

i label it as an embrace when i can feel your heart beating against my skin-wall

and will only acknowledge the kiss when the knees tremble after.

i admit of comfort when soul and skin are barred

i know it’s trust when all my demogorgons shell out from the abyss and are quickly transformed into kittens.. in your presence.

i feel the longing when my limbs are numb

i am certain it’s depression when i’m one step away from not being anymore.

so, don’t tell me you love me when you rarely know me.

you don’t love me

you think you do..

but you don’t.

#askmequestions #themenooneknows


The Younger Me

25 Oct

yesterday i had to experience a life timeline visit.

at some point i was up in space looking down on the timeline of my life. seeing the past, present and future. it felt peaceful up there, quiet and serene.

then i dove down to my past, where i visited the 6 years old me. She was pretty, playful with her bowl haircut, missing teeth and loud laugh (yes, even then i had a loud laugh). something happened, and she felt lonely, unsecured, confused and unloved.

i had the chance to hug her tight, whisper everything she needed to hear at the time. telling her she’s beautiful, not to worry about who heard what. i told her to forgive as the intention of the pain inflector was good. she didn’t know better, like you mini-me didn’t know how to react.

the hug i gave the younger me, was one of the most profound hugs i had ever given or received. the overwhelming tears that occurred while the hug was taking place was pleasant and warm. i didn’t want to let me go. but i didn’t leave except when i saw a smile on my younger me face. now she knows better, now she knows she is loved.. deeply by her own older self. and that sometimes that’s enough. i even broke the time travelling taboo, i told her she’s free, shes in control and she even got the chance to live alone to do what she wants anytime she wants it.

the next incident was to the teenage me, who went through a bullying experience and her reaction was silence, leaving and hiding in the pool crying (yes, that’s how i used to cry in the summer, find any pool go underwater and try to cry) this time she felt angry, cold, humiliated, with no backbone to keep her standing and no feet to hold her ground.

This time, my hug for her was bones cracking strong. i was shouting, crying, and making sure she hears me down to her core, she’s a beautiful young lady, who has the world to give, i told her there will comes a time when you want to vanish, stop existing. but dont, you are loved, you are cherished, and if she didn’t feel it, she needs to know her future selves are proud of her, and cheering her on from their 20s,30s. shes a hero, she lived to 33 to tell the tale and breath through it. That incident didn’t make her a bad person like how she thought it would, or hoped it would so she would be mean enough to stand up for herself when no one else did. i told her that in few years she wont take shit from anyone, she will rebel, she will speak out her mind even when it gets her into trouble. i gave her the weapons she needed at the time, and made sure to see a brink of a smile before i leave up in space.

a tip for future me, make sure not to scare others’ souls. the burden is unforgettable and too heavy to be lifted throughout a lifetime. #mindeye 

Brain’s blah 

29 Apr

Dear whoever,
Whenever my bra is showing you make sure to let me know by that superman melting iron stare as if my pound of flesh is about to be reaped!

But let me Ask you this,

Is my confusion showing?

Do My midlife crisis thoughts that are taking over my head That actuall sound like fucking hell of ideas showing?

Is my internal voice that is screaming hysterically get out get out showing?

Are my words that you know nothing about except the ones that sound usual to you but alas, the ones that are actually me, showing?

Are my crazy ultimatums sound hysterical to you as the sound of my squeaky voice when am funny?

Are my fake sorries more sincere to you than my honest before i-drift-away-to-my-small-death confessions?

Are my attempts to run away to a new land not clear enough that i am really scared the shit on me from me?

I am so fucking sure that if i let me out things will get out of hands..

and fuck i am scared!

I am so fucking scared and i am so lost and so alive and so alone and so sincere right now that i feel like a feather.

But me is still weighing me down

THIS is weighing me down

and fuck

I am down


To you

Earthly from dirt and dust creatures,

Face-worn smiling..



The Monday From The Land Of Regret

6 Feb

One of those days when you just keep asking yourself, why am i doing this?

I could just pack my cats and go!

Couple of blank lonely pages, music earbuds and a handsome yellow pencil would suffice.

Off the grid, on the roads.. then I remember the passport that owns me.

I care deeply for my rain, i miss deeply the cold, the walks, the warmth of my favorite neighborhood, then I remember i grew up and out


Oh well,



16th November 2016 – 1:44 PM

25 Dec

You think you know but you dontYou think you cant then you can

It’s that paradox that keeps us moving, waking up everyday, on that hope to be proven otherwise for our own happiness sake, companionship or peace of mind.

That paradox of life, that make us believe that pain might lead to love or heartbreak will have a closure.

We feel incongruence and we glue our puzzles together, hoping the paradox will be in our favor..


And over again


The Aftermath Of A Nightmare

12 Nov

What if all the conspiracy theories that you denied were the truth? And the truth you believed in were the lies?

What if all the lefts were rights?

And all the rights were wrongs?

What if you found everything you didn’t write down and thought you would remember are written somewhere in a parallel universe waiting to happen?

What if you are actually awake in your dreams and your “daily life” is when you are asleep?

What if all of your dreams were snapshots from your before lives crawling their way up from being buried in your brain?

What if the moon is our original habitat and every month our families there are signaling us to see them through a full circle bright light and we are abandoning them over and over again?

What if all our anxieties are omens from our future self to be careful?

And what if; what we feel in a heartbreak was how death feel like and we are living the afterlife?

And what if there is no love in the world and thats us as corpses imagining THIS feeling so the tomb wouldnt feel so cold?

And what if all the times you felt goosebumps was because your name was said from far away future and past that you never were in and never will live?


Read too fast, Sigh too Slow Kind Of Poem

27 Oct

For the love of life in our heart,

for the love of vivid dreams and the sound waves breaking.

For the love of every breathe taken between crying phases,

For the love of dresses, knee high dresses with summer patterns and all the sand that sneaked in and hid in the pockets,

For the love of the whys and what ifs, for the love of the nos and some of the yeses,

For the love of the maybes and the maybe nots,

And for that one deeper sigh, that extra part that starts when the first one is about to end as if the latter was not enough for your soul to scream why,

For the love of all the sighs in the forgotten dreams and the pain of only ifs,

For the love of the second chances, lost romances and the ones who got away,

For the love of promises, kept promises and been present, and who are here to stay,

For the love of please just leave and let me be on my own sinful wishes,

For the love of every single tear that rolled down in the middle of songs, poems and cello pieces,

For the love of stolen kisses, touches missin, and whispers that make people smile,

For the love of freedom

For the love of freedom my heart

Just end THIS sigh,


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