The Monday From The Land Of Regret

6 Feb

One of those days when you just keep asking yourself, why am i doing this?

I could just pack my cats and go!

Couple of blank lonely pages, music earbuds and a handsome yellow pencil would suffice.

Off the grid, on the roads.. then I remember the passport that owns me.

I care deeply for my rain, i miss deeply the cold, the walks, the warmth of my favorite neighborhood, then I remember i grew up and out


Oh well,



A Hateful Dear Diary Post

20 Jan

Dear Diary,
I just met a vicious cry wolf, and realized i lived with him for years. He preyed on my compassion and the tremendous feeling of “need”. 
Dear Diary,
I am in awe for the cry wolf impeccable acting skills. How his eyes would be weary and within a second would be scanning around to check the empathy thermometer towards him.
Dear Diary,

I cant catch my breathe, as if i am drowning on a solid ground. I feel sick to my stomach that will jump start my body inside out. Ill be a master-scene in a gruesome movie with all my organs and my lonely soul worn on my sleeves. All two of them.
Dear Diary,

Im a daughter of an abusive manipulative cry wolf. 
Yours Honestly and Truly,

A strong take no shit fucked up wolf/sheep

Aesthetic and Ecstasy

19 Jan

is there a relation between aesthetic and ecstasy?

well dont start searching for the meaning of the two words, i got you covered (in a way) .. actually in my way.

i for one, have been living on the face of the earth for the last 33-ish years and never have i used the word aesthetic. is it the lack of vocabulary on my side or the fact that i never found someone, or something so beautiful that i had to use the word aesthetic?

yes, the word Aesthetic actually means the appreciation of beauty, nature or art. or for some over happy people, they usually use the phrase as “i feel aesthetic”. i always wanted to ask them: by that do you mean that you feel you are always in awe of something or you believe yourself to be a state of the art that needs to be appreciated? no hard feelings though!

i dont know why, but the moment i read the word aesthetic, the word ecstasy just popped in my mind. and it kept knocking on the door asking to be heard out of why it’s related to aesthetic.

this is what Ecstasy had to say:

(i believe that am a stronger feeling and deeper than Aesthetic. you can always be aesthetic but you will rarely feel the ecstasy of appreciation of a certain element of life.

you can always lie to yourself or compliment someone by saying (i’m aesthetic) but i am more honest! it will show on your face and eyes and sound if you do feel the ecstasy of a situation or a person or a piece of music.

i’m high! both physically and mentally. you will rarely find me on the ground. i’ll take you on my back and lift you up from where all the lame aesthetics are there.

i’m not easily attained or maintained but you are lucky if you get to know me and involve me in your life.

i devour aesthetic in my definition, to feel the ecstasy you need to pass by aesthetic first, and move on to me.

i’m a violent feeling, not in a sense of beating up but in the sense of earthquake and shattering,

dont live your life for long without me. seize me, or miss me).




16th November 2016 – 1:44 PM

25 Dec

You think you know but you dontYou think you cant then you can

It’s that paradox that keeps us moving, waking up everyday, on that hope to be proven otherwise for our own happiness sake, companionship or peace of mind.

That paradox of life, that make us believe that pain might lead to love or heartbreak will have a closure.

We feel incongruence and we glue our puzzles together, hoping the paradox will be in our favor..


And over again

The Aftermath Of A Nightmare

12 Nov

What if all the conspiracy theories that you denied were the truth? And the truth you believed in were the lies?

What if all the lefts were rights?

And all the rights were wrongs?

What if you found everything you didn’t write down and thought you would remember are written somewhere in a parallel universe waiting to happen?

What if you are actually awake in your dreams and your “daily life” is when you are asleep?

What if all of your dreams were snapshots from your before lives crawling their way up from being buried in your brain?

What if the moon is our original habitat and every month our families there are signaling us to see them through a full circle bright light and we are abandoning them over and over again?

What if all our anxieties are omens from our future self to be careful?

And what if; what we feel in a heartbreak was how death feel like and we are living the afterlife?

And what if there is no love in the world and thats us as corpses imagining THIS feeling so the tomb wouldnt feel so cold?

And what if all the times you felt goosebumps was because your name was said from far away future and past that you never were in and never will live?

Read too fast, Sigh too Slow Kind Of Poem

27 Oct

For the love of life in our heart,

for the love of vivid dreams and the sound waves breaking.

For the love of every breathe taken between crying phases,

For the love of dresses, knee high dresses with summer patterns and all the sand that sneaked in and hid in the pockets,

For the love of the whys and what ifs, for the love of the nos and some of the yeses,

For the love of the maybes and the maybe nots,

And for that one deeper sigh, that extra part that starts when the first one is about to end as if the latter was not enough for your soul to scream why,

For the love of all the sighs in the forgotten dreams and the pain of only ifs,

For the love of the second chances, lost romances and the ones who got away,

For the love of promises, kept promises and been present, and who are here to stay,

For the love of please just leave and let me be on my own sinful wishes,

For the love of every single tear that rolled down in the middle of songs, poems and cello pieces,

For the love of stolen kisses, touches missin, and whispers that make people smile,

For the love of freedom

For the love of freedom my heart

Just end THIS sigh,


The ugh

22 Oct

Why a no should be justified? Why it always has to follow with “because”?

And why is it that we do say “sorry” when we say no?

Why cant it just be a no? Like a yes is a yes. Why a no cant just be a no?

From where did we get the idea that no is rude? Or we have to be apologetic after it whether we are actually apologetic or not?

That pretentious notion only makes a normal no tastes bitter that we have to sweeten the sentence after it with some unmeant words.

Am 32 and still asking these stupid questions because as a world we live in societies where you always have to be “fine” with everyone, everything and everywhere or else..!

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